Why Suicide Makes Sense

2/22/14 EDIT: I wrote this post several years ago but a lot of people still seem to find it. Around the time I was writing it I was starting to figure out just how little I, and many others, know about mental illness. I’ve been at a few memorials of those who have committed suicide and have heard all these questions asked. Now I’ve felt that way more than once myself and since I have, I could/can give answers. This wasn’t a type of suicide note, it was more like an explanation I guess you’d say. If you got to this page because you’re thinking about suicide I have a few thoughts. First, I hope you’ll find that others can relate to some of how you may be feeling. I know it’s a dark place. I still feel exactly the way I described at times. Second, I’m grateful that a few people who cared about me responded with some words to think about. When I’m in a bad place I don’t always see what they see, but it’s worth looking at. Last, I’m still here. God has a plan for my life, I don’t always remember that. I’ve thought I had my own plan down more than once. But again, I’m still here! And I bet you’re supposed to be here too.

Every time a suicide occurs many people say things like… “Why?”  “This is so sad!”  “This didn’t need to happen!”, or the best… “What a self centered thing to do!”  “How could they do that to their family?”  “Don’t they know how their death will affect everyone else?”

All those questions and opinions make complete sense and are logical questions to ask…  from someone who has NEVER felt suicidal.

I think many assume that a suicidal person must just be incredibly sad.  But it’s not always because they’re just sad or depressed.  Sometimes, most times, there’s a lot more involved.

FACTS:
Over 1 million commit suicide worldwide every year.  One death every 40 seconds.  In the US, suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death in 25-34yr olds.  Rates of suicide are 35% higher than the national average in the state I live, Oregon. Suicide rates for those with Borderline Personality Disorder are 400 times the rate than the rest of the population in the US.  And the majority of those with BPD don’t commit suicide the first year after diagnosis.  Studies have shown that over 90% of people who die from suicide had a diagnosable mental illness at the time of their death.

I’m going to answer the questions above from my own point of view.  The answers obviously differ case by case, but I’ll go out on a limb and bet that there are many similarities.  If you have been suicidal, please feel free to add your own answers below.  The more points of view we have, the better.

MY SHORT ANSWERS:

“Why?”     There isn’t any other option.  Suicide is the only way to take care of not only my problems, but all the problems I’ve caused for everyone else.

“This is so sad!”  “This didn’t need to happen!”     Yes, it is sad for those left behind.  And yes, it probably didn’t need to happen.

“What a self centered thing to do!”     Many times I have felt very self centered and guilty for NOT killing myself, knowing that if I did, my family could move on to a better life.

“How could they do that to their family?”      I know it would be difficult for my family, but less difficult than dealing with a wife and mother who isn’t really “alive” anyhow?  Whose instability is a source of constant drama?  I can’t honestly say that I know which I believe is worse.

“Don’t they know how their death will affect everyone else?”      Maybe this is a question “they” should have asked awhile ago.  By the time it gets to the point of suicide there aren’t very many “everyone else”s to consider.  I do think it would be difficult in the beginning, but people move on.  I’m no longer the person who “everyone else” knew anyhow.

THOUGHTS:
I look at the statistics and am not at all shocked or surprised.  90% who die by suicide had a mental illness.  Mental illness is such a taboo subject.  And very misunderstood.  Because it’s hard to understand, hard to accept, hard to deal with… most don’t try to understand, try to accept or try to deal with it.  Which leaves many with a mental illness to fend with very little to no support.

Just this week I realized why most people with BPD who commit suicide wait to make the decision for at least a year.  In the very beginning it was a shock, and difficult, to find that 3/4 of who I thought I could count on weren’t there.  But was also surprised that others who I would never have guessed… WERE there.  I got random text messages that just said “I’m praying for you” or “love you!”.  The simple comments on facebook, or emails.  Those made a difference.  It didn’t matter to me if people asked questions or chose to get more involved.  It just mattered that they CARED and took the time to tell me.  Sometimes one of those things will still happen.  Some of those people are still here.  But the majority have forgotten, moved on, grew tired…  and It’s not fair to spread a burden like me between so few people.

After awhile the shock of the situation has worn off.  The hope that I would wake up and even if it was slowly, start getting better, like in a few months… not years, also wore off.  I look at my family and see my husband with a pretty badly broken hand who is beyond worn out.  He tries to understand.  He wants to be there to comfort me, to “fix” me.  But he can’t.  And he knows he can’t.  I look at Julianna, who checks on me sometimes every 5-10 minutes because she doesn’t know what to expect anymore.  She wants her mom back.  She wants me to play with her, do her hair, just get out of bed sometimes…  I look at Bella who at only 3 years old asks me every day if I have to do to the Dr.  And for how long.  She tells me about her nightmares when I’m in the hospital.  I look at the friends who have stuck through it through thick and thin… they know who they are… and know that some are frustrated.  Some are weary.  ALL are tired.  Because of me.

And that’s when it really sinks in.  I’m trying to get better.  But it’s not enough.  I don’t understand what’s going on with me and neither does anyone else.  I’m slowly learning how to DEAL with it all the best way I can, but it not ENOUGH.  I’m not now, and have no promise of EVER being what many people expect me to be, and others just hope for.  Regardless…  I’m constantly letting someone down.

Its been almost a year now and I get it.  Where is that point where enough is enough?  When you realize that you’ve already done enough damage to last a lifetime?  When you look around at a room that used to be full of people all the time… but is now empty.  And it’s not just the room that feels empty, Its ME that’s empty.

I think times just like THIS is when many make the decision to to die… they wait for awhile.  Because for awhile, you can borrow other people’s hope.  But borrowing also lasts so long, as does the person you’re borrowing from.

This isn’t a life I would choose.  Not for my family.

And THAT is why I have considered suicide.

I’m falling asleep,  it’s after 5am.   I’m hoping this makes a little bit of sense.  If not, I can edit it tomorrow.  :)

For those of you who told me, showed me you cared.  Thank you.  Just the simple stuff meant JUST as much to me to as the rest.  Thank you for giving of your self.  Even when it sucked. :)

I only have one eye open, literally.  Goodnight/mornin

PS:  So it’s now the following day, and I’m awake.  Had I been more awake last night I definitely wouldn’t have been so honest.  But I don’t necessarily regret it.  There are a few notes though that I want to add.

#1  It’s been brought to my attention that when I talk about others not understanding what its like to have BPD, what I intend to say and what many hear might be different.  I don’t want those who haven’t experienced a mental illness to feel like I expect them to understand.  The LAST thing I want to portray is that I feel that what I’m going through is somehow worse, or less important than other illnesses.  Mental illnesses in particular.  And I hate even TYPING this… I do NOT want people to “feel sorry” for me.  UGH!  I want people to care.  But NEVER pity.  I don’t EVER ask why this is happening to me.  (not that I feel that it’s wrong to question)  There is a reason even though I don’t see it yet.  Why NOT me?

I’m sorry if I came across that way and you felt that I was downplaying your feelings and the importance of your experiences.  Or if you felt that I was telling you that you didn’t have permission to understand or feel the way you feel.  That’s definitely not my intent and will try to be more careful in how I word my thoughts in the future!

#2  This wasn’t meant to be a guilt trip.  For the most part.  :)  If you’ve sent me a message, text, call…  I don’t care if it just was to say “I care”.  That was enough.  It did hurt when people who I thought were good friends disappeared.  No phone calls, no texts, no emails…  It was as if I had never existed.  That’s over, I’ve moved on. (ok, it still hurts but I’m trying to move on and don’t have any further expectations)  My point in bringing it up was to say that in the future when dealing with a friend who may be suicidal, even those small gestures could make a huge difference.  You don’t have to throw yourself into the middle of the situation, especially if it’s something that would be overwhelming and not good for you or your family.  But maybe consider just saying that you care.  And maybe that will be enough for your friend too.

48 thoughts on “Why Suicide Makes Sense

  1. Mandi,
    I have been following your blog off and on for awhile now. I always want to leave a comment or encouragement but just don’t know what to say. Many of the subjects that you have wrote about including loving yourself have really hit home. I couldn’t answer those questions because I don’t know the answer myself. I struggle with loving myself because I don’t. I always want to be someone else. I have had the same thoughts about suicide. When my family doc finally sent me to a psych and got me on a medication that seemed to help things got a little better. I have since changed meds as the one I was on if I missed a dose I was an emotional wreck. At first (still don’t know if he does) my husband didn’t seem to understand my ups and downs, my withdrawls, outburts and frustration. I keep my thoughts, frustrations, emotions inside because I know that most people don’t, including my husband, understand mental illness and why we can’t just be “normal”. Really though, what is normal? I look at my 2 grown boys and see and know that they also suffer in different ways with mental illness. My oldest has been on and off meds for several years. I truly belive he is BP. My youngest has been on anxiety meds off and on and refuses to believe that he has any problems. And guess what? It makes me feel like shit and a failed mother knowing that I have passed this on to them. I know that even though we are cousins we have not grown up together nor spent anytime together. I remember you as a toddler and then years later as a grown woman with a husband and beautiful baby girl at the family reunion. Please keep fighting Mandi. You are very special to alot of people whether they show it, or tell you. Thank you for letting me poor a little of myself out on your blog. I do think about you and your struggles and hope that the love of your family and TRUE friends keeps you going.
    J.

    • Mandi says:

      Something must have happened way back in the Kent family tree. I don’t know of a cousin who DOESN’T have some form of mental illness, whether it be depression, anxiety or more complex. I wonder how we compare to the rest of the population! Probably similar. Mental illness is inherited, and much more prevalent than most realize. Especially if you include every type.
      I really appreciate your taking the time to tell me some of what you’ve gone through! I don’t expect to hear from people that I don’t know well or haven’t seen in awhile. It doesn’t make me angry, I wouldn’t know what to say either!! But I am very glad that you responded and poured a little of yourself out.
      I remember you, from the family reunion and I know a few other things… maybe Great Gma and Gpa’s anniversary way back? I know Kim was there because her kids are around the same age as Michael and I. But if I remember, your kids were younger. Maybe even babies then. Anyway, I’ve always remembered you as being strikingly beautiful. And I remember hearing other people say the same. That you were beautiful inside and out. (and maybe a few “it’s not fair!”‘s) :)
      Thank you again for responding!!

  2. Celena says:

    Suicide doesn’t make it easier for the people you would leave behind. It only seems like it to YOU because you won’t be here to deal with the aftermath. The absolute devastation to Julianna and don’t tell me she will get over it. She is right between where Sean and I were age wise. She will be burdened with guilt…. Hurt…… Loss like you have never experienced. She will dream for years that you are going to walk back in through the door. When she has special events in her life , graduation, marriage, babies her joy will ALWAYS be followed by a deep grief that her mom isn’t there to share these moments with her. Not to mention the times when she goes through hard times and knows no one can replace having a mom to talk to especially one who will understand and has had the same struggles she might face. Also YOU know the statistics on your children committing suicide if they have a parent who has. Bella will deal with this all as well. Do not discount the effect on her. A four year old will remember that she wasn’t worth it to you, to fight for. They won’t be saying, Thanks Mom. I needed that. They will be crying out to have you back in there life for there WHOLE lives. I would not be releaved, I would be hurt and guilty thinking maybe I could have done more…. All your other friends who you feel have let you down would feel horribly guilty thinking maybe they could have done more and maybe that is little what this post is about. The reality is suicide is self centered it leaves behind a world of hurt, far more then you are inflicting now. Also God made you, he loves you he WILL help you through this, he has a plan to prosper you NOT to harm you. You pray for the desire to want to get better, how about praying for wisdom from God on how to do it and to not let Satan convince you that you should just end it. His wisdom is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. James 3:17 suicide does meet any of those requirements of Gods wisdom. So these thoughts of ending it are NOT of God, so they are WRONG. I love you Mandi and you are worth fighting for! Please don’t hurt us in this way. It will never be worth it.

    • sandradmckay says:

      Celena,
      Even though you are very right, take it from someone who has been there many times and has children who have been through it with me. I don’t and I don’t believe that Mandi does either, want to hurt our children any more than we feel we already have. It’s just hard to see past the pain in our head that suicide isn’t the answer. Don’t condem, and please understand I am not trying to be rude, just that I understand both sides. I know that in this moment that Mandi is in, I too was in, and all the talk of what it will do to others ios not what we need to hear or even really comprehend. It makes the guilt even stronger and the hate and pain stronger and drives us closer to the suicide. Not becuase we are selfish or want to hurt others but because we CAN’T see anyother way to make things better. There’s a curve in the tunnel and we can’t see the light at the end. It’s not that it’s not there it’s that AT THIS MOMENT we can’t see it.

      i understand the frustration of our loved ones and I inderstand the concern and love. I just have to say that sometimes that reminder makes things worse. What really makes things better is someone to go to the suicidal person, physically do not leave them alone, do the work together to get that person back into the reality of this moment and to physically occupy the brain and emotions with the here and now and not the ease of escape.
      We all love Mandi, helping her has to be more than words.

      • Celena says:

        I have done more then words…… and you don’t know my story so do NOT assume you know if I understand or not. Mandi knows that I will drop everything to be there for her she also knows her living is very important to me personally, and I do not need you to tell me that my telling her that suicide or her death is more painful then anything she can or has done, will push her closer to committing suicide.

    • Mandi says:

      Celena, you are one of the few that I KNOW I can count on. Not that you don’t need a BREAK now and then! Hell, I need a break from myself now and then. We’ve talked about all of this, and your words have stuck in my head and made the decision for me several times. I know how much you and Sean have gone through. But I can’t help wondering how much different it would have been if your mom had lived considering all. Better? Worse? No one knows.
      I don’t really know the point of the post… there wasn’t any hidden meaning. It’s just what was on my mind. And I thought… hey, what do I have to lose by writing it out? People always ASK after someone dies… but do they REALLY want to know the answers? Because in my opinion, if they did… things might be a lot different. People might not die by suicide as often.
      I know how frustrating it is that what is SO logical to you isnt always to me. I WISH I could just take everything you said and BELIEVE it all, FEEL it all. But Celena… I CAN’T! Try as I might… I can’t just CHOOSE to believe it and BAM… it happens. It’s a process. I’ve been this way a LONG time and it’s going to take a LONG time to re-train my brain.
      I can picture you banging your head against your wall right now. Literally, I can picture it. And honestly… TRULY, I mean it when I say I’m sorry. You have been here, you have perservered through thick and thin. You are the definition of a good friend. And I can’t honestly say I wouldn’t have been gone a long time ago without you. One day I might be able to see it all the way you do. I HOPE I do. But until then, Thank you.. I love you!

  3. Joni says:

    Mandi, I check on you daily and usually don’t leave a reply because I don’t know how. My daughter and I suffer too. So many people do. I pray for you daily and, believe me, I do understand. I have been suicidal and self-destructive most of my life. I made it to 70…hope for one more day……. I LOVE YOU!!

  4. Hey Mandi, I am so proud of you for talking about this. I love that you are writing about a difficult topic that needs much more attention. I care, too, just like the other two commenters above. Sometimes I don’t know what to say either. I have been where you have been, and I got past it, but how do I write down HOW I got there? I feel helpless every time I know someone feels suicidal because I so wish I could do SOMETHING to help.

    You’re not bad! I don’t know if that helps. You have not done things that you can’t heal from. Please believe that. You can forgive yourself and move forward. And your family is not better off without you, but yes, I can relate to those feelings.

    I think you are BRAVE to deal with all these feelings you’re having. It isn’t easy, I know, I know. Love to you sweetheart. You ARE loved.

  5. sandradmckay says:

    Mandi,

    I have left several messages and answered questions and tried to let you know how incredibley completely I agree and understand! BUT then, I am not as brave to leave them for fear of judgement. As people judge when they don’t understand or can even comprehend the thoughts and ideas we have.
    I can’t remember if I actually told you or it was in one of my posts I deletedbut, I too am BPD, and I have been diagnosed with severe clinical depression, Bi-polar, have severe PTSD. I have been so good at hiding it that I sometimes can convince myself I’m okay….. Then I look at the past and in the mirror and say CRAP she’s still there…

    I spent 2 years of going to classes for BPD weekly and have learned how to be in the moment, track my feelings and have some control. When I went to the classes I couldn’t even sit still or not cry, now I only see my Phyc every other week and he is always happy to see me. Realizing that the BPD causes the out of this world reactions to even the very smallest of feelings has helped me to slow down take a look and take a moment to conciously decide is this appropiate for this moment.

    As far as the Suicide goes… I COMPLETLEY AGREE! People do not understand what goes on in my head, They say things like, “oh you have so much to live for”, or ” What about your kids?” Well honestly every single time I have done it i have thought about these things, I write down who goes where and what goes to whom, an appology letter to each person I care to appologize to and i struggle with the giving part of me taht knows they are needed, BUT I am tired of being needed I want to be cared for, safe and loved, and people my say they do but I don’t feel it.

    Then some times like this last time I actually succeeded, I was so distraught and so tired of feeling the searing pain in my hear and my head ( emotionally not physically, which sometimes they are one in the same) I didn’t even think about it I just DID IT. No regrets no emotional attachment to this life and once I started I felt releived taht noone was going to have tgo worry about me anymore. I wanted everyone to say she’s in a better place and my kids to not fear that everytime they don’t see me that I’m okay or not. BUT, now that I am still here I am glad I am glad that I have a great relationship with my daughter that Bentley is going to be a great pastor and I get to see it, and Logan is doing great and happy and that my oldests is prospering. It keeps me going knowing that I raised them to be this way and that God entrusted this crazy girl to be thier mom. Knowing that God entrusted me and really realizing that, keeps me from actually doing it again. Realizing that I have no control when all I want is control and dealing with that feeling keeps me here. Knowing that no matter what my children as distraught and worried as they may be will never judge me and care enough to check on my constantly, keeps me here. Not to say when I want to escape i don’t think of it but I go back to the list of things that keeps me here.

    People don’t realize that suicide is an addiction just like drugs, alcohol, and sex…. It is an escape from pain, the most excruciating pain anyone could ever have. Do we all understand why someone is an alcoholic or addicted to drugs? sometimes NO, so to those of you who don’t understand, it is an addition, it’s not led by selfishness and regret it is led by a need for acceptance and love, and it is the ultimate escape from pain, the worst pain you could ever imagine.

    I love you Mandi…. I will never judge you and I will never leave you. Even if I am not here I am available if you call, write, poke me on FB. If you need an ear a shoulder or a kick in the butt… I am a silent friend who you don’t know very well but I think we know eack other better than we think and I DO CARE!!!!! I will never stop caring, or get tired of you or tell you I don’t have time. Becasue I understand!
    Sandi

    • Mandi says:

      Sandi you have also been great about giving me encouragement, even though we don’t know each other very well. I didn’t know that you have BPD and it helps a LOT to know that you do. You’re literally the only person I know (besides those I’ve met online!) that has it. Thank you for telling more of your story. It helps to see that there ARE other people who have gone through similar things and DO understand. Thank you!
      Mandi

      • sandradmckay says:

        Mandi,

        Thank you for letting me know it helps for you to know that I have the same issues that you do. I know that we are in different places in our lives but I do understand and I have been where you are. i just want to encourage you to keep posting, no matter what people say. I believe it is very healthy and keeps you in the here and now. It is hard to let people know whats going on on your head sometimes for fear they will judge or become too worrisome. You are a wonderful beautiful brave soul and I am so very proud of you for being out going and not hiding inside (like I do)… You are amazing!
        Sandi

  6. Jaen Wirefly says:

    Oh Mandi…this is a very brave post. Although I’ve never met you in real life we are sort of sisters. I made one suicide attempt. It was many years ago and it was very scary. That being said I understand the thought process behind suicide very well. Sometimes crappy shit happens in life and all the nice people around you aren’t so nice. You feel alone, empty and you want out of the misery. I get it. But that feeling does pass. I know it. I even knew it when the sleeping pills were making me woozy, when I was starting to fade from this world into another one. I remembered about something that I could have done instead and I was terrified. I begged my mom to take me to the hospital and she said “I can’t take it anymore.” But she took me. I think part of her wanted me to die and while we were in the car she said “Well, this is what you always wanted.” But that wasn’t true Mandi. I didn’t always want to die. What I wanted was peace, joy, security and hopes for the future. Since the day I DIDN’T die I have had experiences that were amazing. I met and married my loving husband..who just walked in and said he needs me to help him with the groceries. I never thought I have that when I took the sleeping pills. So I understand the pain you feel but remember when your dead nothing good can happen. Good stuff can only happen in life.

    Kisses and hugs;)

    • Mandi says:

      I’m sorry that your mother said those things. That’s terrible, and the fact that you chose to survive even through her words shows incredible strength. I keep up with your blog and have learned more there than most places. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, not just here today but every day!

  7. kimberlee judd says:

    ” I CARE MANDI”

  8. Marilyn says:

    Mandi YOU ARE LOVED!!!!!!!!!!! Perhaps you can’t accept that now . I think your mind is in the wrong place. Remember the Bible says we renew our minds with the Word of GOD. Dig into your memory and come up with a Bible verse to think on. John 3:16 For GOD so LOVED the world you that HE gave HIS only begotten Son that whosoever believes on HIM will not perish but have everlasting life. 17 says but GOD.sent not HIS Son into the world to condemn the world That’s not all of it but I hope you get the message. You know don’t you that satan is the accuser of people and if he can get them to believe his lies he wins cause he comes only to kill and destroy.

  9. Marilyn says:

    what does your comment is awaiting moderation mean? YOU ARE LOVED PLEASE LOOK UP BILL AND GLORIA GATHER and see if you can find the words to the Song You are loved your are loved. I’m in town online and need to go home so I’ll write another time.

  10. leilarashid says:

    Mandi, I just want you to know that there are so many of us out here who understand. Although I am merely a “stranger” following your blog, be sure that you’re in my prayers! I may not suffer from BPD but your posts always strike a chord.
    Everytime I feel suicidal and start to feel that there’s no other option left, I start thinking about the possibility of recovery; what if one day all this will be behind me and I’ll be able to help other people with my experiences. I cling to the image of myself being healthy and happy again and helping someone who’s reached the bottom.
    Everytime I read of post of yours saying that you’re feeling better it makes me sincerely happy for you and gives me hope too.
    Blessings for you and your family!

    • Mandi says:

      I love reading your posts also Leila, and can identify with much as well. Although I’ve “known” my fellow blogger friends for a few months, I feel the same way. I’m truly happy when you’re happy. Maybe because of the understanding of how much it takes sometimes to GET there. So in a way, one success if kind of a success for us all. :) It makes me feel good to know that when I’ve had good days you’ve found encouragement as well. Sure hope for more of those. Thank you! :)

  11. healthdemystified says:

    Thanks for having the courage to share this. Having suffered from depression myself, and finding myself on top of the Ben Franklin Bridge thinking about taking my life, I can attest to the fact that depression is madness. It is pure insanity. It is a disease, not a character flaw.

    Thanks for sharing,

    Eric

  12. mary says:

    This post is very interesting because it does show how a person, who has few really unsolvable problems and is not at all considering suicide as an option, is likely to view another person who commuted suicide. A lot of the statements that you bring up are part of a, ‘blame the victim’ mind set, so that the person hearing about such a ‘dispirit’ act, doesn’t have to believe that the same thing could ever possibly happen to them. I’d like to elaborate on the comments made that you posted.

    “Why?” – The euphemism, ‘reality is a bitch’ isn’t a term to discount. Physical illness that is chronic or terminal, abuse (emotional and physical, both devastating, especially over a long period of time), can and will bring into anyone mind the idea of ending the pain of not having any control over your situation. Many will argue there is always control and alternate choice, but unless you also believe that your will alone moves the earth around the sun, which many do this argument has no merit. The fact is that asking, ‘why’, is a statement of true befuddlement due to ones own ignorance and lack of imagination and empathy, and simply a form of denial which the person who has committed suicide has already overcome.

    “This is so sad!” – You’re right it is sad. The world is a sad perplexing paradoxical place. Sometimes it’s better not to think about it lest you become suicidal as well.

    “This didn’t need to happen!”- No it didn’t have to happen. If you consider the butterfly effect, suicide may very well be avoidable.

    “What a self centered thing to do!” – Anyone who says this is an asshole. No further explanation needed.

    “How could they do that to their family?”- The family may have been the catalyst in the persons suicide, so unless you are god you really can’t judge this situation. So shut it. If you care about the family be nice and supportive and attentive to them, and watch what you say around them. If you are a family member asking this question I suppose you have many emotions to deals with and this question is perfectly natural in trying to cope.

    “Don’t they know how their death will affect everyone else?” Two things are certain, death and taxes. People expect taxes where normally due, why wouldn’t, or couldn’t a suicide be expected? To the person who asked this, I’d ask, why they did nothing to help ease this persons pain and try to better understand them? I could expect that a person who would ask this question is part of their reason the person may have lost all hope for being understood , helped, or holding any hope that people could be anything but shit; who’s egos were so overblown that they are able to ask how a person who is suffering so horribly that they can’t bear life any longer to cater to the whim of people who can’t, or won’t even fathom their situation. Most people who kill themselves reach out to help at least twice before they do commit suicide. The person most likely got the impression that no one in or out of their circle really cared about them so their death would make little impact.

    • Mandi says:

      Thanks Mary. It’s always good to hear things from another point of view, similar or different. A lot of what you said rang true for me. I’m glad you wrote!

  13. elizabeth says:

    I’d like to comment on this post. I am so glad that you could come out, tell your story and what has brought you to this point. I understand every word. I am there, also. My story is different, though.

    Two days ago marked the two year anniversary of my husband’s suicide. This man was the love of my life. I don’t say that lightly and sometimes I don’t even like the phrase as it’s said by many others. No, this man was my angel, the best thing that ever happened to me, my light in this world. It went far beyond romantic love. This man was my only family. I am now completely isolated. My family and friends turned their backs after his suicide. My husband and I had just lost our home in foreclosure 3 days before he took his life.

    What I can tell you is that my husband’s suicide is why I am now on the edge of doing the same thing. I don’t want to live in a world without him. I’ve tried for two years to continue and I’ve cried every day. I don’t know why I tried at all except that suicide wasn’t something I wrapped my head around easily or quickly.

    My husband’s situation was the opposite of mine. He was so incredibly loved by me, his family and good friends. I know he felt like a failure after he lost his job and then we lost our home, but his action has left me a shell of the person I once was. And, he was so, so wrong in that not only was he not a failure, he was the best person I’ve known in my life. I would stay in this world if my husband were still here. Having joined a suicide survivor group, I can tell you that the rate of suicide by suicide survivors is high. There is a chain reaction, if you will. Not just spouses. Children of suicide parents are also particularly susceptible. Sometimes, sisters or brothers and parents, too. So, unless you are truly alone like I am, please rethink this. I am not here to talk you out of it because I know the pull of suicide is strong under deep depression and loneliness. But, you did mention how hard your husband tries and how worried your children are for your safety. All I want to say here is, you are loved. These three people alone will never be the same. This isn’t a guilt trip. Just honesty. I know because I am living it firsthand. When my husband killed himself, he killed me, too.

    I am sharing a link here that I just discovered about the afterlife. It isn’t religious. I am not religious. It is simply observation from various mediums about what happens to those who have had to pass due to suicide. I agree that suicide victims do not get the support they need in this life. I agree that it is terribly unfortunate. But, please, let your husband and little children help you. Just by what you wrote, they love you so much. If I had that in my life, I would stay and fight through the depression. Please know that I understand what you are going through and how you feel. Those who are not suicidal will never understand. But, please give your husband and babies a chance and some time to help you heal. Believe it or not, you are more blessed than you know.

    http://adcguides.com/afterlife12.htm

    • Mandi says:

      Elizabeth your words mean a lot to me, have really given me things to think about. I have so many thoughts rolling around I don’t know what’s up or down anymore, good or bad, right or wrong. It’s been a VERY long few years. This is a subject I change my mind on a lot. When I’m doing well I don’t consider suicide. When things aren’t going well I think about it. Most of the time just thinking now, not really considering. When I wrote this almost exactly a year ago I didn’t want to live most of the time. But I have made enough progress in therapy that I do want to live now. I believe that my overall risk is lower, I just have to make it through the really bad times when all those confusing thoughts arise.

      I’m really sorry you don’t have support you really need right now. I have been shocked at people’s reactions to suicide, mental health, overall weaknesses. I expected others to feel like I do. I started this journey with a lot of support. Though I was surprised then that it wasn’t the kind of support I thought it would be. I had so many friends before. Slowly over the past 2 years that support has dwindled down immensely. I can count on one hand the number of people I communicate with. I can’t force anyone to care. Or to accept all of me, not just the parts they like. Knowing how I feel WITH my husband and girls, I can’t imagine how you feel. You’re right, I’m more blessed than I know.

      I know this is hypocritical, I’m pretty sure most of us who are at times suicidal are! Your words have affected how I feel, have given me a whole different perspective. You can do that for other people too. I have a friend who’s daughter killed herself. It’s only been a few years, but she almost immediately threw herself into trying to get more awareness out there, I think mainly because she needed to do something besides sit and think about it. She wrote a book http://www.dontletanyoneknow.com/ Her daughters circumstances were a little different but she had the same disease I do, BPD, which links a lot. She had 2 little girls that were around the same age that mine are now when she died. I can relate more than I want to. There are others out there that are in the same position YOU are in now and will be able to relate.

      Also…blogging was a completely new experience for me. I had no idea that most of my support would come from fellow bloggers. I would read their stories, still do, and am shocked by the similarities. There really ARE people out there who can relate and encourage. Most that I know write anonymously so that they can say whatever they want without the fear of hurting anyone they know. Maybe you could get support like that as well. If you decide to blog I’ll be the first to follow you!

      Thank you, truly, for taking the time to tell your story!! I hope to hear from you again.

      Mandi

      • Elizabeth says:

        Thank you, Mandi. I’m glad you’re not in that space anymore and I hope that continues. Your story touched me and I felt compelled to reply. I wish you, your husband and your sweet children all the best. I’m thankful you see how blessed your really are. Thank you, too, for writing your story. Honestly, the key to suicide prevention, in my opinion, is awareness and acknowledgment.

        • Mandi says:

          I agree with you 110%! We’re taught to hide things like this. To be embarrassed of our feelings. That mindset has caused a LOT of harm, as you and I have experienced. The more we break the mold, the better!

          • Elizabeth says:

            Could not agree more. If the world took depression and related illnesses as seriously as it takes physical illnesses, more and more would come out, tell their stories, get feedback and finally realize they’re not alone and there is help.

            • Mandi says:

              My husband had cancer when we were younger and there was an ABUNDANCE of support. I’ve seen both sides and it’s been a shock to me. Suicide takes more lives than the vast majority of cancers. There is SO much frustration with this because it seems so SIMPLE to educate! I think it’ll happen though, just far too slowly!

  14. waywardweed says:

    As someone who has considered suicide, I can relate to your post. Thanks for writing.

  15. Sky says:

    Thank you for sharing this. I am in the same exact situation although I think my diagnosis is severe depression with suicidal ideation. I’ve been suicidal since I was 8 and have been suffering from this for 30 years. I am also a mother who has made a mess of my family. My kids just want stability and it feels that the best I can do is end my life so that at least it is over for them worrying whether or not I will come home at night. My husband is worn out and mad (rightfully so). Even though it would tear my heart out it would be best for him to find someone else to share his life with and raise out kids.

    I don’t know if I will still be around when you read this post but I want you to know that I understand and I care. I hope you get better and get your life together. I may not but I am pulling for you.

    Sending you true love and compassion.

    • Mandi says:

      I hope you’re still here! I wrote this awhile ago. These SAME thoughts go through my mind ALL the time… but I’m getting better. I’m not in the hospital every few months and I can do a lot more. I might go down, that’s always part of the struggle for me. Is it worth doing ALL this if I’m just going to die anyway? If I do go down, I want my kids to at the very least see that I’m working my hardest. No, if I kill myself that might not matter. But we’ve got to do what we can even if it might not. Before you make a decision, think some things over, please. Show that you’re doing everything in your power. I don’t mean forcing yourself to get up in the morning. We both know that’s not realistic. But to get any kind of help you can. Your husband is probably pretty worn out. My husband is worn out. Your husband knew you before he married you. There is something about YOU that he loves. Even if it’s hidden deep right now. He thought you were worth it when he married you and I bet, despite being so tired, he thinks your worth it now! You can get better, I know you can.

  16. Eric Strayer says:

    You still around? You know, I guess you are a young one and geezers at my age figure it will pass. Angst and all that. It doesn’t. It is a completely logical alternative for pain. Make it stop. Please. OK, I will. A lot of friggin’ poetry and prose have clearly propagated that pain is the thing of life. Well, I am not buying that, but life is somewhat larger than the individual living it. Cosmic? Why not? Look at where we are in the universe. Pretty small. Yet still here (for a bit anyway).

    I am getting goddamn tired and think of pulling the plug frequently. I made a list of best practices.

    But being afraid to pull the trigger, or whatever, is really quite a natural thing. We are seemingly designed to survive – albeit in spite of our collective efforts to destroy the planet.

    It only makes sense. If not, we’d not be here, would we.

    Hey, gotta go. Hope you are still on the planet so maybe we can talk about this some more. Life is a kind of trench warfare regardless of class, gender, race or age.

    es

    • Mandi says:

      Course I’m still here, my last post was a week ago! :) I don’t know your definition of young, I guess I’m in the middle, 34. I wrote this a long time ago but a lot of people seem to come back to it. It was more of a “Dude, don’t ask questions after the fact when I can, and others can, give you an answer now!”. Wow, so almost 2yrs ago (I had to look!). I do go through the same ups and downs. I’m slowly improving, it’s not an every SINGLE day pain. It’s taking a really really long time to get better and at times, the wait hasn’t seemed worth it. But we ARE made to survive… here we are as evidence. :)

  17. As a mum of young children, who has BPD, and who sometimes feel suicidal, I can relate and it was heartbreaking reading your post. Thank you so much for sharing (albeit a while ago!) and I’m very glad things have improved since you wrote it :)

    • Mandi says:

      I’m sorry you’ve felt this way, it’s always good to have people to relate to but I never like why we can relate! Especially the part about having kids. Things would be much much different if I didn’t have the girls. A lot less guilt for sure!
      Thank you so much for taking the time to comment, positive comments especially on older posts are always a welcome surprise. It’s usually “All borderlines should be thrown off a cliff” or worse. At least it shows that there are people a LOT more messed up than many with BPD! :)
      Mandi

  18. Yes, the guilt can be excruciating. I find I have a daily battle with it, even in minor ways – it’s like it’s always part of my thought process, I’ve internalised it and it’s there all the time. Every time I do something that takes time away from the kids (e.g.reading blogs!) there’s a mental calculation/ritual/reassurance about whether I can afford the time, how I can make up the time, what effect it’s having on them, etc. And as for the guilt about being a BPD parent and the possible effect that might have – to be honest, I daren’t think about it much or dwell on it, as the times when it starts to encroach on my thinking, it’s just too upsetting, and it’s been resigned to one of the ‘too hard to deal with’ boxes at the moment….I’m appalled at the negative comments and the lack of attempts at understanding and sympathy – on the other hand, it’s also perilously close to home as my husband has reached a point where he’s very much in survival/self-protect mode, and trying to understand where I’m coming from, is not remotely part of the picture. I agree it’s messed up, and I have no idea how to change it – I guess we are doing all we can by being open and honest, and some people will always have axes to grind and will not be open to seeing things from a different perspective. It certainly doesn’t excuse the negative comments, but I guess at least some of those people are so far consumed by their own hurt, they are lashing out in their own way. I hope you continue to get lots of positive comments! :)

  19. Andy says:

    I was taking you seriously until the moment you mention this imaginary, fairy tale creature called “God”.

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