I'm Thinking That

If you’re looking for a stupid “feel good” Valentines Day post, stop reading now. I just spent the majority of the evening writing a post and wordpress had some error and deleted it. I wasn’t happy before, I’m really not happy now.

I hate Valentines Day. I hate filling out 4879 little Valentine cards for Julianna’s school. I never gave my Principle a Valentine. I guess Julianna doesn’t see her Principle as the enemy like I did. I hate having to look through an entire bag of candy hearts to find those appropriate for a 2nd grader. I hate that there are some REALLY stupid parents who don’t seem to understand that there ARE age appropriate valentines. Are they TRYING to push their daughter into becoming a prostitute? Some of those valentines could be business cards.

I hate all the stupid pink and red hearts all over in the stores, the standard chocolate, stuffed animals and flowers. This is Walmart’s dream. They offer a few really cheap items knowing they will sell. Do we REALLY need a special day to tell people we care about them? I bet there was no Saint Valentine. More like Saint Rollinginthedough.

I do think Valentines Day is stupid and will probably think the same way if I ever get better. BUT, I do have the added emotion that most people don’t, FEAR. Valentines Day is like a horror movie to me. I have a VERY strong fear of positive emotions. We have worked on this in therapy and I have gotten nowhere.

To me, love equals pain. Every person we love will die, leave or betray. I have loved and lost many people due to the aforementioned reasons. For some, loving was worth the pain of losing. Others I wish I had never met and never loved. I love people now. It’s scary. They WILL die, leave or betray! I care about a lot of people, but I try to love as few as possible. As for people loving me… it’s gets kinda complicated I guess. I do want people to care about me, just not too much. If I die, I want people to notice I’m gone. But I don’t want anyone to be sad. If they remember me I want them to laugh, never hurt.

I have no idea how other people think. I know that my past losses and present mind set affect how I feel. Most people don’t think about what would happen if they killed themselves like I do. J says that I would rather die than to go through having someone I love die. I guess so. I know that life comes with love and hurt, and that I need to learn how to deal with both. But I don’t want to do that until I no longer have suicidal thoughts. I don’t think it’s fair to other people.

Too complicated, moving on.

My life is NOT going in the direction it needs to be going if I’m ever going to get better. Mid MAY is the earliest I could see the only insurance covered neurologist here. (if I was approved, they have a committee that decides who they will see) Even then I would still need a referral and my doctors office has proven itself incompetent. D said he was going to try to get a hold of Dr. B this week to see if they can figure something out. But I left D a message Monday and he still hasn’t called me back, not real reliable. D really doesn’t want to screw with meds though so maybe. He and Dr. B are the ONLY people who can change ANYTHING.

SO…. all of that means that on Wednesday D and I are most likely going to have to talk about what to do with my medications. I’ve had an almost constant headache since around the 5th. I think the antibiotics did help me think more clearly. Which makes me wonder if all is sinus related and my body is reacting differently than it has in the past. I still have balance issues but am getting used to it. I don’t think my problem is meds, but apparently we can’t make assumptions. Unless the cause is found elsewhere, (which would mean seeing Dr’s.) meds have to change.

Would you be upset if the medication that has helped you make progress, has literally kept you alive for almost a year… was most likely going to be taken away? Would you be sick to your stomach thinking about how life was before you were put on that medication?

That’s where I am RIGHT now. Doesn’t mean I won’t be able to block it all out and be fine tomorrow. It also doesn’t mean that I won’t go further down. BEING ME is FRUSTRATING, very unpredictable. I know it’s not real fun to those around me either.

Alright… well enjoy the rest of “The Night of the Living Valentine”!

“Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you’ve never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It’s not love I’m describing. I’m thinking of a monorail.” - Jack Handey

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