This is a really hard post for me to write. So why am I doing it? Same reason I write about a lot of things. I don’t think it’s something I should forget. Especially when I want to.
I wrote last night but it was 5am by the time I was done and decided to wait to post. This is the last paragraph I wrote:
There are two people who understood what this last Tuesday, (Life or Death), meant. Mark and Heather. Mark and I talked a lot when I got home. He knew when I left the house that I would give it my all, but the chance the session would go well was low. He and Heather knew that if it didn’t go well, I wouldn’t come back. I didn’t tell them I had a plan B. I know some people get angry when they hear that I have a “Plan B”. That’s fine. I have good reasons though. I don’t WANT to have a plan B. I don’t WANT to die. As long as I can keep going I won’t have to think about it.
I had a really really terrible dream sometime after I wrote that.
My Gpa had just died at home. (He died at the VA hospital a few years ago) We were working on his yard. It jumped to getting ready for a memorial, I assumed my Gpa’s. Mark was doing Julianna’s hair. I was like a shadow, Julianna couldn’t see me. Somehow I found out it was Bella’s memorial. I was confused, in shock, I don’t know. Julianna asked her dad “Is she bleeding?”. It was heart breaking! But I didn’t have much time to think about it because Mark immediately turned around and looked at me. He said “THESE are the kind of questions they will ask their ENTIRE LIVES”. It hurt like nothing I’ve ever felt for about 2 seconds and then I woke up.
With a lot of breaks I was able to tell Mark about it. “That was my memorial wasn’t it.” “Yes, I think it was.”
J says I’ve been playing rush and roulette with my life for at least a year and 9 months. Yes, my life means very little to me. I know that there are some people who would be sad if I died, including Mark and the kids. But they would get over it and it would be a lot better in the long run. I just told D yesterday that I knew all the statistics about how children fare when a parent commits suicide. But I’ve been in the hospital with far more people who are really messed up because of living with a parent who was messed up, some in the same way I am. No one gives out those statistics. D didn’t argue with me, he said “That’s a different way of looking at it. It would be interesting to see statistics”.
I’ve pictured it like a scale. On one side there’s a life full of constant ups and downs, insecurity and hurt caused by a parent/wife who is half alive. On the other side is having a parent/wife who is dead. Which is worse? If the scale had a 3rd side, getting better would far outweigh everything else.
I WANT to get better! When I was walking across that dam I could have jumped but I DIDN’T! I decided not to let fear control me. I went BACK to therapy and I put EVERYTHING I had into it. And guess what? I did it. Not anything huge or life changing… but enough to show that I could. I thought J was going to have a heart attack. “I KNEW IT! I knew this wasn’t because you couldn’t do it!” He was relieved, as was I! Of course eventually came the “Just because you were able to access some emotion today doesn’t mean you will be able to again. We’ll take it session by session.” But LAST Tuesday I did it. Which is why I didn’t have to worry about dying.
The dream last night has put much of what I have believed for so long in question. If I had died like I thought I should, my family might have felt the pain I felt in the dream. They probably would have asked questions their entire lives. But there are a million other thoughts going through my mind at the same time. If I don’t get better, would staying alive be self centered? Would I stay alive purely because I can’t stand the thought of my family hurting during those moments, when in the long term they would be better without me? Would the thought of one of my girls sitting in the middle of her room crying out to God the night her mom killed herself, as H’s granddaughter did, be enough to stop me? Would it be right if it did? I don’t know right now. I have years of thinking to review.
Staying alive takes a hell of a lot of work. Sometimes wanting to stay alive is a lot of work. I can promise that I’m going to do whatever I can to persevere. I have to make sure I’m up for this upcoming Tuesday’s challenge. And all after that. If I can keep going, I’ll make more progress and the impulses, thoughts, all of it… will be less and less. I won’t have to worry about making a choice. If I stop making progress I don’t know what will happen. The dream gave me a lot to think about.
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