This is a really hard post for me to write. So why am I doing it? Same reason I write about a lot of things. I don’t think it’s something I should forget. Especially when I want to.
I wrote last night but it was 5am by the time I was done and decided to wait to post. This is the last paragraph I wrote:
There are two people who understood what this last Tuesday, (Life or Death), meant. Mark and Heather. Mark and I talked a lot when I got home. He knew when I left the house that I would give it my all, but the chance the session would go well was low. He and Heather knew that if it didn’t go well, I wouldn’t come back. I didn’t tell them I had a plan B. I know some people get angry when they hear that I have a “Plan B”. That’s fine. I have good reasons though. I don’t WANT to have a plan B. I don’t WANT to die. As long as I can keep going I won’t have to think about it.
I had a really really terrible dream sometime after I wrote that.
My Gpa had just died at home. (He died at the VA hospital a few years ago) We were working on his yard. It jumped to getting ready for a memorial, I assumed my Gpa’s. Mark was doing Julianna’s hair. I was like a shadow, Julianna couldn’t see me. Somehow I found out it was Bella’s memorial. I was confused, in shock, I don’t know. Julianna asked her dad “Is she bleeding?”. It was heart breaking! But I didn’t have much time to think about it because Mark immediately turned around and looked at me. He said “THESE are the kind of questions they will ask their ENTIRE LIVES”. It hurt like nothing I’ve ever felt for about 2 seconds and then I woke up.
With a lot of breaks I was able to tell Mark about it. “That was my memorial wasn’t it.” “Yes, I think it was.”
J says I’ve been playing rush and roulette with my life for at least a year and 9 months. Yes, my life means very little to me. I know that there are some people who would be sad if I died, including Mark and the kids. But they would get over it and it would be a lot better in the long run. I just told D yesterday that I knew all the statistics about how children fare when a parent commits suicide. But I’ve been in the hospital with far more people who are really messed up because of living with a parent who was messed up, some in the same way I am. No one gives out those statistics. D didn’t argue with me, he said “That’s a different way of looking at it. It would be interesting to see statistics”.
I’ve pictured it like a scale. On one side there’s a life full of constant ups and downs, insecurity and hurt caused by a parent/wife who is half alive. On the other side is having a parent/wife who is dead. Which is worse? If the scale had a 3rd side, getting better would far outweigh everything else.
I WANT to get better! When I was walking across that dam I could have jumped but I DIDN’T! I decided not to let fear control me. I went BACK to therapy and I put EVERYTHING I had into it. And guess what? I did it. Not anything huge or life changing… but enough to show that I could. I thought J was going to have a heart attack. “I KNEW IT! I knew this wasn’t because you couldn’t do it!” He was relieved, as was I! Of course eventually came the “Just because you were able to access some emotion today doesn’t mean you will be able to again. We’ll take it session by session.” But LAST Tuesday I did it. Which is why I didn’t have to worry about dying.
The dream last night has put much of what I have believed for so long in question. If I had died like I thought I should, my family might have felt the pain I felt in the dream. They probably would have asked questions their entire lives. But there are a million other thoughts going through my mind at the same time. If I don’t get better, would staying alive be self centered? Would I stay alive purely because I can’t stand the thought of my family hurting during those moments, when in the long term they would be better without me? Would the thought of one of my girls sitting in the middle of her room crying out to God the night her mom killed herself, as H’s granddaughter did, be enough to stop me? Would it be right if it did? I don’t know right now. I have years of thinking to review.
Staying alive takes a hell of a lot of work. Sometimes wanting to stay alive is a lot of work. I can promise that I’m going to do whatever I can to persevere. I have to make sure I’m up for this upcoming Tuesday’s challenge. And all after that. If I can keep going, I’ll make more progress and the impulses, thoughts, all of it… will be less and less. I won’t have to worry about making a choice. If I stop making progress I don’t know what will happen. The dream gave me a lot to think about.
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Hope so
Thanks C
I just typed like 10 different comments but none of them seemed right… I guess this post really just hit something in me. Hang in there. X
I’m hanging in Lexi, thanks
Outstanding blog Mandi. So open, insightful, and beautiful shreds of light.
“If I don’t get better, would staying alive be self centered? “. To answer that, no. Absolutely no, not self-centered. To stay alive is to realize that there is always hope, and that God wants – and allows – you to be here on earth. And so do we all.
Keep blogging. Keep believing. Keep praying. And so will we.
Thank you for the compliment, I just write what I’m thinking.
I’m always glad when someone gives their thoughts and opinions because it means they care enough to take the time to write. But unfortunately my logic isn’t always many people’s logic. Very frustrating, I know. This disease steals and distorts so much. I know what it steals, I can’t see what it distorts. Which is beyond frustrating to me! I wish I could choose to have hope, believe what I’ve been told a million times, but it doesn’t work that way. I never know whats coming when. Which is probably pretty evident with this blog! The best thing I can do is keep going to therapy. If I can continue to make progress, someday things will be MUCH clearer and I’ll know the answer to the above questions. That’s why the threat of not being able to do therapy is such a huge deal.
Thanks for the comment!
Wow Mandi, your blog blew me away girl, your heart felt honesty, and the way you do what I do without thinking, because it seems to be something that is not in either one of us (the thinking part I mean), act on impulse, and think when I absoloutly have to, if I have to about the consequences, or outcome of the impulsiveness I have displayed. Your right, staying alive is fucking hard work, god damn, if only people knew how damn hard it was, then maybe they would understand the plan B part,
as for death, well I figure that one will happen when it happens, we all have the same destination on this journey of life, I guess it’s how we get to that destination that makes up an entire new bunch of numbers and statistics,
As for me, I don’t have a plan B per say, I just keep kicking along, doing what I do as I do it, thinking somehow I am never going to die, thinking that I am never going to get old, yet age is creeping up on me, I just haven’t let it catch me yet,
Big hugs girl friend………..I am so glad to read that therapy is starting to help you, ((stay strong hugs)) Angel
Thanks Angel! Ya, staying alive is pretty damn hard! Those without BPD would understand “plan b” AND impulsivity pretty quickly if they spent a few minutes in our heads. I think part of a requirement while going through medical school should be “a minute in a person with BPD’s head”. Would be extremely helpful, if it were possible.
I fucking agree with you on that 100%, they teach text book shit, when they really have no fucking idea what it is like to live with mental illness, esp bi-polar……..they seem to assume that the stupid text book is always right, when its not…….oh god don’t get me started on dick head doctors, shrinks, and fuckwit protocols, to follow in order to help ourselves…..they piss me right off.
Big hugs to you Mandi………I adore ya girl friend
Not really sure what to say in response to your post, except to say thank you. Thank you for putting yourself out there for the rest of us who are coping one way or the other. One of my closest friends daily, hourly faces what you do. The way you articulate what is going on really resonates with me and helps me to gain understanding. Thank you so much. And congrats on your Tuesday triumph. Each day is a victory, and each step forward is too.
I’m glad you were able to get something out of the post, it makes it worth writing! I’m sorry your friend has to face similar things, unfortunately it isn’t an easy life. Thank you for taking the time to try to understand your friend, not many people are willing to do that. He/She is lucky to have you. Tuesday WAS a huge triumph for me. It was one of the biggest challenges I’d ever faced. I hope your friend will have days like that as well.
Thank you for the encouragement!
Mandi, I was recommended to your blog. I’m a Veteran of 3 wars 1st Gulf War, OIF, and OEF. I have BiPolar Disorder II, PTSD, MDD, which I believe all are linked to trauma from an event that happened in the military that actually had nothing to do with combat. But nonetheless was traumatic enough to put my life into a frenzy. I can relate to a lot of what you have posted, your symptoms, your feelings, your self worth… you are not alone. You are very brave to do what you do which is in itself a positive about you as you obviously care about others to share such intimate details of your life to give others that may be going through the same ordeal a feeling of company; unfortunately misery loves company. However, this is more of a therapeutic device and it is good to know that we are not alone. Thank you!
Someone recommended my blog? Craazzyy!
I’m sorry you’ve gone through all you have. I have PTSD, I know it’s different for everyone but definitely not good times. I am pretty much an open book. I don’t know if I’d call it brave though, just me. I do care a lot about others. (I’m learning that caring doesn’t always = doormat) I’ve always hoped that if anyone ran across this blog, they’d see the real deal uncensored. And maybe feel a little less alone. I don’t think it happens very often, but even once makes it worth it. I’ve found the most support from my friends here online. I hope you’ll feel the same support. I’m really glad you did stop by and took the time to comment. Thank you!