Trying Not to Fucking Lose It

*Trigger Warning

There is a possibility that it’s too late. My current goal: Stay the fuck out of the hospital. If I end up in the hospital I’m screwed. I don’t care about it being a f’d up place where someone could strangle me in the middle of the night and no one would know. I care that I could lose the ability to continue doing ISTDP. It’s not THERAPY that’s driving me over the edge. That I know of. But if there’s a possibility that it is, I know J won’t do it. It also costs MONEY to go to the hospital that we don’t HAVE. Our mental health benefits are fucking AMAZING, but sadly way better than others! Should mental health care either not be covered at all, or cost twice the amount as any other illness? No.

I took several klonapin. Didn’t help. So I added a few shots. So far it’s NOT HELPING. It better f’ing work. There’s too much. I know it’s not just me because Mark is about ready to freak out himself. Right now he’s eating skittles. He might think the game he’s playing on the tablet is real. He’s swearing at those little fake people while changing the words of my angry music to “mother fucking asses”.

I ALSO think I might be starting to get that whole BPD feeling things to the extreme thing. I think you (with BPD and who study BPD) are CORRECT. I’m f’ing FREAKING OUT right now. I walked circles around our backyard until 5am yesterday. I don’t DEAL well with stress. Add more than 3-4 stresssors we didn’t ask for and here I am. Mark just said that watching me right now is like watching a freak show. He said he’s going to start selling tickets.

You know, I really want to ATTEMPT to make something clear. Yes, I am very aware that many think that something like my favorite sock getting a hole in it is a big deal. That was sort of a big deal for about 10 min but I got over it. NO… THAT is why I keep saying I wish I could just TELL YOU. You see the majority of these situations aren’t people being assholes. Well one is. Actually the worst stressor for me which PISSES ME OFF. The OTHERS though, not so! I was thinking things were going to stop adding up, then at like 11pm last night Mark got a call. Nothing huge but just throw it into Mark and Mandi’s big melting pot that’s not full of chocolate. It just LOOKS like chocolate.

Mark wonders how I can see the screen to the laptop “swaying back and forth 4-5ft.” He’s exaggerating. Like 3ft max! I guess I’m just used to it. I don’t know! Stop asking me fucking questions!

Yup, I’m losing my fucking mind. Or dicking mind according to my auto correct. (remember Lexi lu!) I really don’t think that’s a word. Where is my mind where is my mind…. good timing playlist. I have no dicking clue where my mind is. My mind is so gone I don’t know what to write. Listening to Mark yell expletives at the other online poker players is throwing me off.

Just gotta stay away from where I was last night. Ya…no. It’s kind of late for that. I know what works and that’s what I want. Cutting is an amazing addiction. Too bad it leaves scars. Otherwise it would be a pretty fucking awesome medication. Bottle of klonapin? Yes. But I’ll take ativan if klonapin isn’t available. I will also take a bottle of tequilla please. And a whole lime. Salt too. The big kind, like crushed or rock or whatever the fuck it is. I’ll take that. Unfortunately I have no control over that. I don’t know much about control.

K, no more writing. I don’t think I can stay sitting here. My legs won’t stay still and I took my “allowed amount” to help with anxiety a bit ago. I think my mind is overpowering it. I WILL try to stay away from cutting. But ONLY because it bothers other people. Scars are worth it to me at this point. I can’t get klonapin or tequilla so I’m screwed in that department.

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16 thoughts on “Trying Not to Fucking Lose It

  1. Kat says:

    Mandi, I don’t know what to say, but just want you to know people care, even if they don’t know you. Try to keep holding on. Walk your circles all night if that’s what it takes. Wish there was more to be of any help, but there’s not. Don’t know if you are religious, but I will pray for you and your family, but especially you. For a calm spirit at this moment, or at least calmer, so that you can cope.

    • Mandi says:

      I really appreciate you taking the time to comment Kat, but even more for caring! I do believe in God and the power of prayer, grateful at times such as these that swearing won’t send me to hell. :) THANK YOU Kat!!

  2. mark says:

    MENTAL ILLNESS CAN GO TO HELL!!!
    For those who think that this whole thing is a big joke or she’s making all of this up, the things she says or does isn’t real. If you think she just wants attention or she’s being dramatic COME STAY A DAY AND FIND OUT FOR YOURSELF her feelings and thoughts are real even if they are not 100% correct. Just when Mandi starts to improve a whole bunch of other stuff gets in the way.

    • Mandi says:

      It’s weird responding to a comment from you while you’re in the next room. My thoughts aren’t 100% correct? Guess you’ll have to explain that when you write a guest post. :) Thanks for backing me up.

  3. Hawkruh says:

    Oh Mandi! It sounds like you’re in suck a bad place right now! I haven’t been able to check my mail regularly the last couple of weeks because I’ve been at the hospital with my dad – and he just passed away yesterday morning. But my heart goes out to you and the pain and struggles you are enduring. It sounds like everything is very overwhelming right now. I hope you’re able to hold on until some sort of calming returns. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Walk! It sounds like it was a good plan that night. Love you!

  4. The Quiet Borderline says:

    So sorry I’ve been away and out of touch with what has been going on. Things sound so extremely tough for you (and for your family too) right now.

    I sincerely hope that you are OK, as best as can be, of course, and that you won’t need to go down the route of going in to hospital. I just came out yesterday and don’t wish it upon anyone! But your safety is a primary concern so please be honest and get the hell you need.

    Take care xx

    • Mandi says:

      Hey A,
      I read your last post. Things are great all around aren’t they! I don’t know whether to tell you to try to stay out of the hospital or not. Hard situation for sure. Thanks for the encouragement and take care of yourself too!

  5. Christopher says:

    Mandi–
    I’m actually a pastor who, like you, is thankful that swearing won’t send us to Hell–only our rejection of Christ will do that! So swear the fucking hell out of it if it helps you feel better; they’re only words, right?! :-) I love it that you’re so fucking real and honest and raw; we could use a lot more of that (and a lot less bullshit)!

    • Mandi says:

      Do you live in Oregon? If not are you willing to move here? :) I haven’t attended church in 2yrs. I had NO clue how many wore masks, including myself, and especially in the church. I HATE masks now, am working hard to shed mine! Even if whatever I’m thinking is a sin, saying it (writing it) isn’t any worse than thinking it. I’ve seen too much of God’s power to ever reject Christ. There are so many worthwhile things to fight for, whether or not I say “fuck” isn’t one of them. I didn’t swear beyond the occassional “SHIT I almost hit that car!” before I got had a break down 2yrs ago. Having BPD is hell, but there are some positives, being more real is one. Anyone who knew me before isn’t used to the huge change in what I say. It’s hard for many to believe that I can trust and believe in God and say fucking assholes in the same paragraph. I believe that God agrees that they are fucking assholes. Ok, probably not. :)

      I just wrote 2 different posts, one on this subject after being thoroughly attacked for not being the doormat I was, and for being real. It’s a “real” angry post! http://mmstores.wordpress.com/2013/06/17/here-you-go-this-one-is-all-about-you/

      I would be interested in your opinion on my last past about self love. My therapist went through seminary before becoming a therapist. J is VERY real which, as you know, is refreshing. But I’m torn on this subject.

      http://mmstores.wordpress.com/2013/06/26/the-morality-of-self-love-prove-me-wrong/

      Thank you for commenting, truly made my night!

      • Christopher says:

        Great to hear back from you, Mandi! And sorry–but I don’t live in Oregon, no; appreciate your affirmation though!

        Swearing is a release that I’ve come to embrace only in the last few years myself and, by nature of my profession, is one I still have to indulge in private for the most part.

        I do not believe that words themselves are inherently good or evil. With the possible exception of words related to God Himself (THE Word of eternity past, present, and future), they really have no meaning except that which we assign to them, so it’s all in what we do with them. Aren’t they really just a random collection of consonants and vowels, syllables and sounds otherwise? After all, if we lived in a culture or spoke a language in which “fuck” was the word for “milk”, we’d think nothing of saying that someone’s “fucking something for all it’s worth!” ;-) Most of us use the word devoid of any sexual connotation most of the time now anyway (not that it’s not a perfectly good descriptor in that regard, as well). :-)

        I will confess, however, that I personally stop short of using “goddamn” and can only rarely bring myself to use “hell” (and only in certain contexts)–if only because I’m so aware of the sacred spiritual reality behind those that I, personally, am not comfortable with them . . . but I won’t condemn you or anyone else for using them. (I’m not into condemnation, period–in view of the reality of all that I myself have been forgiven and the fact, clearly stated in Scripture, that there is now NO condemnation to those who are in Christ!) :-) Those words aside however, I’ve become inordinately fond of the word “fuck”; clichéd as the observation has become, the word really is virtually unparalleled in terms of its fucking versatility! (What other word do you know that can function as every fucking part of speech there is?!) :-) Besides which, it’s semi-forbidden nature really does give it an enormous power and punch still, even today!

        Anyway, while I don’t see any problem personally in generally saying whatever the fuck we want or feel like (providing it’s not hurtful or injurious to others)–a part of that, especially for me, is in not saying anything that is hurtful to someone else in the sense of being a “stumbling block” to them. Because I’m surrounded by people who often act as if they think saying “fuck” or “shit” is akin to some mortal sin, I have to watch my language pretty fucking carefully (much as, for that same reason, I would have to avoid eating meat sacrificed to idols in the culture of the New Testament)!

        What that translates into in my situation is that, while I encourage my people to cut the bullshit and be REAL, I generally have to do so in sanitized language–then revel greatly in the company of a handful of safe friends with whom I can relax, cut loose, and swear like a fucking sailor without them looking at me any differently; in fact, they’ll gladly return the favor and we can swear up a fucking storm together . . . hopefully still glorifying God in the process! While I can’t go so far as you in saying that God probably thinks people are “fucking assholes” (even you said “probably not” to that one), I also recognize that the reality is that, apart from Christ and the immeasurable worth we have in Him, we really ARE fucking assholes–ALL of us! Thank God He loves us in spite of that! Go figure!

        I also appreciate the fact that you’re clearly not one of those who feel that swearing indicates the presence of a limited vocabulary. I can tell that you love words and writing just as I do; are in possession and command of a very impressive vocabulary, gifted at self-expression–yet can drop f-bombs with both precision and abandon as a part of that expression! Yahoo! ;-)

        I’ll take a deeper look at the other posts you indicated when I have a little more time. In the meantime, I again commend you for your refreshing honesty–and look forward to some more bullshit-free conversation! :-)

        Keep it fucking real–and I promise to do the same!

  6. Mandi says:

    I also won’t (hopefully haven’t slipped up) use Jesus, God, Christ… in any form of swearing. If that’s real, there’s a problem. I’m not careful with “Hell” though. I guess because though I believe Hell to be VERY real, I don’t want to give the word any respect. I don’t know if that’s correct… just what came to mind when you mentioned it.

    I need to think of some kind of saying for a t-shirt about being real, but that sounds bad ass instead of pansy ass. My guess is that the Christian bookstore wouldn’t sell it… but hey, at least I’d have a real bad ass t-shirt out of it. And maybe a mug or something.

  7. Christopher says:

    You’re probably right about finding a “Christian” bookstore willing to sell anything edgy; you’ll probably have to make and/or market your own shit, but hey–go for it! There are plenty of people who will love it . . . and at least a few who’ll actually have the guts to buy/wear/use it! ;-)

  8. Christopher says:

    Btw–just now found your reply to me 2 days after the fact. I’m new to this wordpress/blogging stuff–so it’s taking me a while to figure out how to navigate my way around . . . great to hear back from you anyway!

    • Mandi says:

      It’s harder than one would think! If you click the “follow comments” or whatever the fuck it is on the bottom of the post you’ll get an email when someone reply’s. The only catch is that you’ll get an email when ANYONE reply’s so you have to be careful with the larger blogs who get a ton of responses. With my blog you’d probably only get my reply’s, maybe 1-2 others.

  9. Christopher says:

    Yours & 1 or 2 others? That doesn’t sound too bad! I just might get the hang of this fucking thing yet! ;-)

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