On Saturday we drove over to the coast. It’s been about 3yrs since last there. About an hour away I changed. I put in the headphones and played music as loud as I could but it didn’t take the outside away. I could still feel the very familiar curves in the road, smell of the coastal air. And it hit me. This drive used to be very very different. It used to be a happy one, going back to where we grew up. But it’s not the same there and I’m not the same person. I cried more after every driveway or building passed. The places I’d worked, houses of good friends, fields we bucked hay in, schools we attended, the church we went to, the Market, etc… Unfortunately we also saw a cemetery in Bandon, beyond difficult for an entirely different reason. It was bad timing and changed the entire trip.
It was REAL good pulling into Garth and Tami’s driveway! They live on a ranch/farm tucked away. The kids LOVE it there. Bottle feeding baby sheep, riding horses. I wanted more feathers but peacocks run faster than you might think. The rain and wind are actually more calming for us than clear sky’s. Probably because we spent birth to 18 listening to the sounds of the storms. The ocean waves crashing are the best to fall asleep to.
Monday… Memorial Day. Brian’s (Mark and Tami’s brother) name being placed on a plaque. I took an extra klonapin and was pretty anxious but not terrible. Until we turned down the road to the memorial in Charleston and there was a building that I haven’t seen in 13yrs. I can’t talk about it, those who were there then will know. The start of it all. I was pretty damn anxious after that, trying to block out memories that are nearly impossible to block. Short flashbacks for maybe 10-15min? The whole plan was that if I flipped out I’d walk away. But my brain was going 100mph and all that was in my mind were memories I couldn’t stop. I wanted to scream. I’m still really embarrassed about it. There were news crews pointed in our direction as we weren’t informed that we were standing right where the service started! Julianna lightened things up. Thought she saw the real Popeye. And the church choir… man. You should have seen her face. There’s really no words there. So I had a short melt down but I think, hope, it didn’t deter from why we were there. To remember Brian. Mark and Tami did well but I know it had to be pretty hard. The youngest, their brother. Amazing Grace on bagpipes, hearing Brian’s name, seeing it engraved…
While driving home I was thinking about some of the good times I’ve had in the past few years. Those times when I could forget the reality of my life even for a little while. Christmas eve in the snow, late night movies, driving over a pass to CA in a snow storm, Thanksgiving with amazing friends who we consider family, talking smack to go-cart drivers etc… PTSD, BPD… have taken MUCH from me. I’ve also allowed a few people to take much from me. But no matter what anyone SAYS or DOES… those GOOD memories can’t be taken from me.
Today is Bella’s Birthday!! I’ll publish her birthday post soon. 5 years old!!
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